


Just When We Had a Plan

by inamorata527



Category: Pacific Rim (2013), The Avengers (2012)
Genre: and pairings, like we're just getting started, so many more characters later
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-29
Updated: 2014-12-14
Packaged: 2017-12-21 17:13:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/902815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inamorata527/pseuds/inamorata527
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So monsters are coming out of the Pacific now.  Really, Tony preferred it when the interdimensional hellbeasts came from the sky, all things considered.</p><p>This is going to be a real pain in the ass.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Tony would stab himself to death with an oyster fork before admitting it, but in a life that was already pretty fucking awesome (give or take a few hostage situations, interdimensional nuclear warheads, and a decades-long subconscious existential crisis) the last year and a half has been the best. 

He actually likes having the others around (although again: oyster fork). He's learned to deep-breathe through Steve's noble moments, which still grate at him even though (okay, because) the star-spangled motherfucker is almost always right. He's also annoyingly endearing and, now that he's getting some equilibrium, even funny and charming, in addition to being the best-looking human being like fucking ever. Bastard. Bruce is the man. He's finally starting to relax around everyone, and he has the most hilarious deadpan Tony's ever seen; it even made Natasha crack a grin once, which was more terrifying than the neck knife she was cleaning at the time. Plus, it's impossible to be in a bad mood when Thor's in a good one; there's video evidence of this in the form of a very drunk Tony and Jane doing a full-on pelvic-thrusting lip sync to "Thunderstruck," which is awesome even though Jane doesn't think so. Clint is the snarkiest motherfucker who ever walked the planet, which makes him Tony's soul mate, and somehow Phil (fucking Phil, Tony's still convinced somebody beat him to LMD tech, he's looking into it, it better not be fucking Hammer) puts up with all of them, and if the closest any of them ever get to saying _I'm glad that tentacle thing didn't eat you_ or _it's going to be okay, we'll get through this_ or _it's nice to have a family_ is something like _I will kill all you goddamn motherfuckers in your sleep, and then who will make the cookies?_ \--well, it seems to be working out fine.

Then Pepper turns to him in bed early one morning, and her look is part apprehension but mostly a sudden grin she just can't hide. He knows what she's going to say, and even though they didn't plan this and he kind of wants to pass out over fear of fucking this up, he feels a great lightness take hold of him and he just grins at her too, and they lie there smiling at each other like loopy dumbasses, and then they have sex as the sun comes up and if he were the kind of guy who would say "make love" then that's totally what they did.

Yeah, definitely the best.

Later that week they tell the others. There are a lot of man-hugs going around (Steve and Thor's a little bit bruising) and everyone's kissing Pepper's cheek; Natasha's eyes are warm and Bruce seems kind of weirded out but pleased, like his system can't quite figure out this amount of positive emotion. Clint cracks that it was just the one time and he really should have used a condom and Natasha slaps him upside the head. Darcy is squeeing and Phil says he'll reassign her if she doesn't stop sounding like a fourth-grader at a Taylor Swift concert, and even Jane is hugging them unreservedly (she must be into the mead again) when Brian Williams's voice cuts in just a tiny bit shakily from the TV across the room.

They watch, frozen, as a huge…thing—Christ, it's _hundreds_ of feet long, hundreds of feet _high_ , it makes the Chitauri look like fucking Care Bears—wades through San Francisco Bay and chomps through the Golden Gate Bridge like a fucking cracker and just keeps going.

Tony knows he can't really hear the screaming, but his imagination is providing it just fine. 

The camera catches something whipping past the copter, and the feed goes dead. A tiny still-functioning part of Tony's brain notes that it's actually beautiful, plated scales a mottled, iridescent blue-green-gray. He snaps back to reality and looks around his living room at Earth's Greatest Heroes, who all kind of look like they want to barf.

"Well, there's something you don't see every day," Clint croaks, ashen.

"Point for Ghostbusters reference, ten points off for failure to maintain nonchalance in face of pants-shitting terror," Tony says. Neither of them can take their eyes off the screen, which has gone live again. The hellcreaturegodzillathing is currently spewing glowing plasma over the headlands, trailing tentacles of bridge cable, and everyone's phones start going fucking nuts.

"Janey?" Tony says, because her team has had intermittent success with temporary Bifrost connections, which tend to spew out odd creatures—

"No," she says flatly. "This isn't us. We haven't had a connection in seven weeks."

"This creature is not of the Nine Realms," Thor adds quietly.

"Oh, good, I thought we were in real trouble," Tony says, and picks up Rhodey's call. He's already wheels-up and wants the team to meet him there. Tony can hear Fury saying the same thing through Phil's receiver, only louder and with more fucks.

They head for the Quinjet, already suiting up. Phil hangs back to give Darcy a laundry list of instructions; Thor pulls Jane aside. Tony turns to Pepper, opening his mouth to say…what? 

"Don't," she says softly. "Just go. I love you." She kisses him and steps back, and he might have been held hostage in an Afghani cave, but getting in the jet is the hardest thing he's ever done.

Pepper, Darcy, and Jane watch the Quinjet vanish into the bright white clouds of a perfect spring day.  
"This is bullshit," Jane says.  
"We're going, right?" Darcy asks.  
"We're leaving in ten minutes," Pepper replies.  
"But—" Jane begins.  
"I am personally authorizing you both on the company expense account," Pepper cuts in.  
"Oh my God, aside from the ravening hellbeast, _this is so awesome_ ," Darcy breathes.  
"That ravening hellbeast could eat both of our boyfriends," Jane points out. "And your boss."  
Darcy suddenly became very interested in the floor of the landing pad.  
"OH MY GOD," Jane yells, and only years of professional corporate masking keep Pepper from doing the same thing. "Holy. Shit. You're with Phil? _Phil_?"  
"Yeah. I am," Darcy says, looking directly into Jane's eyes. "Can we just…girl-code keep this between us, for now?" she asks them both. "And by 'between us' I specifically mean 'away from Clint and Tony,' because…"  
"Exactly," Pepper agrees. "Okay, let's go kick sea creature ass."  
They both stare at her.  
"Sorry, sometimes I forget I'm not irradiated anymore," Pepper says. "Also, I have been known to babble in the face of fear. Oh God, did you see that thing?"  
"We don't get to talk like that," Darcy says. "We're, like, the front lines of defense."  
"…Fuck," Jane says.


	2. Chapter 2

San Francisco is a whirling mass of panic and bullshit, which is pretty much what Tony expected. They land at a base outside the city to rendezvous with Rhodey, and even at this distance he can hear sirens and ordnance (they're already on the heavy stuff) and screams merging over the city in an eerie, wailing cacophony. 

Some days this superhero gig fucking sucks.

Rhodey's suited up and giving out orders nonstop, as always somehow managing to sound totally courteous and like the infallible voice of God at the same time. Tony makes a mental note (again) to cultivate this skill.

"Nothing's touching it," Rhodey says by way of greeting. "We're going in, you and me, right now, just to assess what the hell is going on. Thor, backup. Clint, you and Br-Hulk too. Natasha, Steve—bring up the rear, keep us in touch with SHIELD." They both nod; Natasha is already listening to Phil on her earpiece.

"Christ," Tony says as they put their helmets on.

"I don't like it," Rhodey agrees, and that, Tony thinks, is some scary shit right there: Colonel James Rhodes admitting something sucks on a cosmic level. "You got anything that can touch this?" he asks in a undertone.

"Maybe, if I can get a head shot," Tony replies, equally quietly. "No guarantees."

"No such thing," Rhodey agrees.

They fly out, Thor a tiny figure far above them, Hulk bounding along carrying Clint not far behind. The thing has already made it several miles inland, and Tony tries not to think about the costs, any of them. 

"Patriot? For the record, this is deeply, deeply not how I wanted to spend my weekend."

"Ten-four on that."

"Does this look like a dinosaur to you? I'm seeing dinosaur. Phosphorescent homicidal dinosaur. Official superhero diagnosis."

A small indicator light from Patriot flashes on Tony's screen; the scrambler is doing its work. "Tony. Is this Chitauri-related?"

"No," Tony says. "Thor said not; so far, I agree. Nothing I'm getting looks the same. Pepper's pregnant."

"Great, an entirely new mindfu— _what_."

"Yeah, I know, total mindfuck, I'm kind of freaking out, if you tell anyone that I will disappear you even if you are my best—"

"No. Wait. Come on. Tony Stark. Reproducing. That kind of puts the hellosaur in perspective." Rhodey pauses. "You know what? I'm done with today. Today can go fuck itself." Tony can hear him grinning as he hits the descrambler.

They split off as they approach, and Tony doesn't like at all that he can't see Rhodey around this thing. Its tiny eye glows malevolently, and its gaping razor-sharp beak—beak, what the fuck—is twenty-five goddamn feet long, and he is maybe a tiny bit too old for this shit.

"Iron Man, do you have a shot?"

Tony swoops closer, narrowly avoiding the whip-spike tail he'd seen on TV earlier. "Affirmative. Going for body mass." He fires and jets up and out (swerving again, that tail is a pain in the _ass_ ); Rhodey confirms that he's doing the same.

Tony turns and looks. Although he'd aimed below the waterline, JARVIS confirms missiles have landed exactly where they should have.

The thing keeps moving, if anything a little faster and more crankily.

"That went well," Tony notes. "Patriot, failure to, uh, kill a giant murderbeast. I believe that is the correct military term."

"We prefer "that did fuck-all,'" Rhodey says.

"Thank you, good sir. Getting back in position," Tony says, flying down again. "Patriot, I'm gonna fire."

"Negative, Iron Man, you are not. Thor, can you get a bolt together?"

"I have already begun, Colonel."

"Copy. Iron Man, hold your fire."

"Got a clear shot at the head, Patriot. I'm gonna take it."

"With what?! Jesus Christ, we're like ants here!"

"Got a few surprises up my sleeve."

"Yeah, well, surprise me by following goddamn orders. Over."

"Gonna lose my shot."

"Tony, _hold your fucking fire_."

Tony does not hold his fucking fire, which he will later maintain would have worked out fine if the thing hadn't jerked its head at the last second, leaving Tony's payload to land in the outer edge of its lower neck-chest-whatever, resulting in what is pretty obviously, even on short alien-anatomy acquaintance, a minor flesh wound. The last thing Tony remembers is Rhodey complaining that fuck, now he'd _really_ pissed it off.  
****

When Tony wakes up, he sees a number of faces arranged around his field of vision, and he's vaguely impressed by the range of emotions he's seeing, from pissy (Steve) to pissy with a side of relief (Pepper, Rhodey), to unimpressed (Natasha, Thor) to resigned (Bruce) to eating a gyro (Clint).

"Ready, fire, aim," Rhodey says, as if he expected nothing better.

Tony's ribs feel like iron bands that have been heated and splintered in the fires of hell, and he hasn't had a headache this bad since he was fourteen and first drank a bottle of Patron, and also he can't technically feel his left leg although that will probably work out with a little cardio, so all in all he's proud of himself when he manages "Hegghh…"

Rhodey snaps, "Steve rescued your sorry, insubordinate, pain in the ass…ass," moving out of Tony's view. Tony can tell he's seriously pissed, and he knows that a lot of it's relief Tony is okay, and the small part of him that is not focusing on his ribs and head and leg starts to feel really bad. Plus, he can see now that Steve looks a little worse for wear, and he looks even crankier than he did a minute ago (which is still only about a quarter as cranky as a normal person would look, because fucking Steve). Steve's a pain in the ass, but he's a noble-as-fuck pain in the ass who saved Tony's life, and Tony resolves to be moderately nice to him for at least a week.

"It's dead, and it is, not to put too fine a point on it, fucking disgusting," Clint supplies into the silence, chewing moodily. "It bleeds blue. Also it's rotting in fucking place. _And_ it had like these giant fucking bugs crawling all the fuck over it, and then they died too. I swear to God I should have stayed in the circus," he says, and continues eating.

"I think it has two brains," Bruce says to no one in particular.

"Thor's lightning bolt slowed it down," Natasha supplies. "But it took…Christ, I don't even know what it took. It took everything. Clint's exploding arrows helped, but he put four of them in, and…it just slowed down a little."

Clint waves her off, mid-mouthful. "It tail-whapped you into the bay," he says to Tony after a minute. "CNN kept playing it. It was pretty funny, now that you're not dead and all. Two brains?" 

"Would explain why Tony's headshot and your arrows didn't work," Bruce says. "And with that much body mass, it would make a lot of sense. What?" he says as they all stare at him. "I am a biologist, for God's sake."

"Can biologists perform paternity tests?" Pepper snaps, leaning over him so he can see her better, her blue eyes icy. Oh shit. It's probably the pregnancy hormones. And, okay, fine, that he'd shot against direct orders (again) and almost gotten himself killed (again) by a glowing alien dinosaur (again). Probably that was not helping. "Because I am pretty sure that no father of _my child_ could possibly be _that goddamn selfish and short-sighted_."

Tony opens his mouth to point out that she's known him for almost fifteen years and she knows perfectly well that he is about _baseline_ that selfish and short-sighted, but she's marrying him anyway so whose fault is _that_? 

His vocal cords will only oblige him with another "heggghhh?" but he is proud to note that he has managed an interrogative inflection with this one. Supergenius can't be tamed, really.

Pepper just looks disgusted, but also like she loves him. So that's okay. Also, upon reflection, he may not actually have asked her to marry him yet. Okay. When he gets beyond the "hegghh" stage that is definitely first on the list. He motions for the ice chips. 

"I'm kind of enjoying the silence," she says. He flips her off (slowly) and she squeezes his hand, smiling. Clint is complaining about something, and Natasha is telling him to shut up, and Bruce and Rhodey and Steve are talking about the logistics of getting samples off the body to study while Thor watches them with his Kingly Listening Face in full effect, and Tony is really glad that they are not paying attention to him basically choking on ice chips, but he's really glad they're there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeeeah i'm kind of adding to this piecemeal, in between real life and shit. Also I started this a year and a damn half ago, before Agents of SHIELD, Thor 2, or Cap 2, sooo probably lots of AU/ canon divergence unless/until I decide on rewrites. Cheers!


End file.
